Fuck Tech Support

Once upon a time, there was some chick who had an issue with something and so she made the mistake of calling Tech Support. One hundred dollars and 3 hours later, she received no real help and hung up livid. This girl hates tech support.

So The Kitty Bish must intervene. This unfolds into a much larger issue but I will get to that momentarily. For right now, let us visit the fucked up world that is Tech Support. First of all, why the fuck does the menu have to be 5 minutes long?

"Press one if you would like to speak to a representative. Press two if you would like to upgrade service. Press three if you are constipated. Press four if this fucking message is pissing you off. Press five if you are screaming right now. Press six if you are looking up our address to come kill us all..."

Seriously, we can narrow this down to two options. Here is FTN's version of the Tech Support menu.

"Press one if your shit is jacked the fuck up. Hang the fuck up if it isnt. The end."

Isnt that simple? Moving on. So you finally get past the menu, only after listening to some really bad elevator music that had to be picked out by some 80 year old schmuck named Gunther Wallock. Doesnt Gunther just scream elevator music, easy listening, jacks off to Kenny G? I agree.

Some fine young lady or gentleman picks up the line. Now heres where I begin to lose my cool. So this person picks up the line and says their name. Now mind you, I would say, 7 out of 10 times, I can tell a particular ethnicity by a persons speech. Diction is key to what region you were raised in. Do I really care where this Techie if from, not so much. What fucking annoys the shit out of me is when someone, whos voice makes it very fucking clear they are from a very far off place, tells me their name is Bob or Jenny or Gracie. Really?

Because I know plenty of white Tyrones and plenty of black Magdalenas. Oh theres a big boom of chinese Mohammads and even more Middle Eastern people named BOB! That is a crock of shit. If a company chooses to be a shithead and outsource every god damn thing possible, why hide it? Why ask these people to give false names in order to comfort me? (I know for a fact this is done as I investigate my shit first so back the fuck up before you get sassy with me.)

Why the fuck do I even need to be comforted? I just want to fix my shit. Does this company assume that I would just hang up or go ballistic because Ackmed answered my call? How many people really fucking run and hide because Wang Fucking Chung decided to be my rep this fine evening? I dont want to talk to Gracie or Jenny or Bob for that matter. Last I checked, I wasnt required to change my name in order to complete my eight hour shift...except that time I was the phone operator but if you tell em your name, those jerkoffs start trying to find you for the live show...or so I've heard.

"Jenny" tries to help me and fucking fails because her "resources" do not enable her to do much for me. Im so sure, because Google was running slow that night. Then there is "Gracie," who keeps saying "I am here to help you. Do not fear." Did she really just say "do not fear." This bitch went all Avengers on me. Dun Dun Dun DUNNNN, Techie Support to the rescue!!!!! Maybe...um one moment...can I put you on hold for two minutes while I check my resources...God Damn Google...wait, are you still there? God Damn it, where is the hold button *click...dial tone*

So "Gracie" says, "I just need this S/N number." So the girl reads it off to her. For this posts sake we'll say it is M9845J008M. So the girl says every number and letter clearly, because she can have good diction when the fuck she wants, so what you think about that ya scuzz bucket!
"Gracie" decides to repeat the number back to make sure its correct. So she says, "M as in Mark, the numbers 9..8..5...the letter J as in Jack...zero...zero...the letter H as in Harry...the letter M as in Mark." So the girl says, "um no...I said 8. The number 8 before the M." So fine old "Gracie" decides she needs to read it back again and surprise surfuckingprise, this douchebag says "H as in Harry."

ARE...YOU...FUCKING...KIDDING...ME!

So, the girl turns into The Motherfucking Count off Sesame Street..."THE NUMBER 8, READY? 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8, 8, 8, THE FUCKING NUMBER 8!"

Needless to say, "Gracie" figured out that it was an 8 before that M and not H as in Harry.

With time wasted, and a warrenty updated for something that must now be thrown away, the girl hung up livid. Looking back, I can see why. Here at FTN! We DO NOT hate anyone for their race, their sex (unless its short and stubby or crusty and stretched), their creed (unless they dont keep that shit to themselves), age, etc etc fucking etc. What we hate is stupidity. If you cannot help, dont say that you can. If you cant understand me, do not fucking sass me. If it is clearly stated that you are not understood, putting someone on hold DOES NOT HELP! It only magnifies the anger which will now be projected at you with no fucking mercy.

I, The Kitty Bish, feel the same way about outsourcing as I do about celebrities who adopt babies from random countries in order to feel like they are changing the world. Adopting children and taking them away from their environment can be a good thing. Depriving a child of their culture and using them as press time can be very fucking bad. These two things are one and the fucking same to me. You want to give jobs to people from who knows where...why? Because its cheaper. You arent helping these people. You are being greedy. Mind you there are lay offs all over the fucking place and there are people with fucking degrees stuck flipping burgers because thats the only option they've got left. Yeah, fuck your degree, now get me my fries. You want to adopt foreign babies to make yourself appear worldly, because the local starving homeless children sure dont need your help. Fuck em right?

FTN! To Tech Support and the greedy disgusting excuses of life who play up their bullshit good deeds by "spreading wealth and opportunity," when in all actuality, it will always be for one thing...so the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Tech Support and their non trained asses can suck my left tit and the right one and rub my back and NOT call me in the morning because heaven knows I hate elevator music. Ill never hear the name Harry again and not want to scream!

That is all, back to your regularly shceduled program, already in progress ya hoe bags. Fucking TIVO junkies.

P.S. I would like to take a moment of silence to acknowledge Blanket Jackson. Fuck the child molesting king of pop being dead...his son is named BLANKET! Keep an eye out for his stints in rehab. Meh, could be worse. He could have been named Gunther.