ASK FTN - ~Triflin~

I am happy to say I got my first official Ask FTN Letter in the mail and gosh gee willigers, Im stoked. The letter is in my own words, mind you, as the writer is currently under witness protection for knowing far too much information about something I cant know about because I dun wanna be in witness protection too and if I told you, we would all have to go there and I dont know where there is so STFU and stop asking stupid questions you monkey motherfuckers! Sheesh!

*Puts on reading glasses for intellectual effects* Ahem...

My Dearest FTN
(I already like this letter)
There is a guy, he's maybe a seven on the hot scale...an eight if you stand 90 degrees to the left and Uranus is in alignment with Saturn. We've hung out a few times, I've even had him over for tea and a spot of dick. (Look it up you gutter minded freaks) I thought he was interested in me and my vajayjay, though I havent let him hit it because Im a good girl on Thursdays. But he really seemed interested in me and my outlook on microbiology and nuclear physics. This seemed like it was going places. But now Im a bit lost. You see, there is a girl, we will call her Snatch Mouth. SM moonlights at my flower shop, which my great uncle Esther left to me...dont ask...please. SM kinda lives a double life, with some guy who she says she loves and adores, you complete me Jerry Maguire type nonsense. But at night, she comes to my flower shop all decked out as someone else and gives BJ's along with every purchase of a rose. I cant seem to keep them in stock. I have great reason to believe Ms. SM is getting her saggy tulips watered, tilled and hoed by Mr. Not even a ten! So I stopped talking to the guy and now he says Im being a used Tampax, can you set the record straight on this...
yours truly...So Not A Tampax

Okay SNAT, theres a lot to cover here and Im glad I can help. Mind you dear reader, this letter was abbreviated from 37 pages to what you see before you so I know just a tad more then Ive shown but Ill try to keep you in the loop. Lets run down the list shall we...take a walk with me...

1. Any guy who tries hitting on you, smelling/poking/licking/sticking/glaring/drinking or existing within 50M of your vaggy lips should know that there is a code! Leading me to number two.
2. *Finishes wiping her ass* Sorry about that, had chili last night,...where was I? Oh right! THE CODE. The code says and I quote - "Thou shalt not try to fucketh with the chicketh if thou art planningeth to fucketh the chickeths help..eth." So sayeth the word of the hoe. Its in the rule books motherfuckers! FOLLOW IT!
3. If you plan to fuck the help...you fucketh the help outside of the work zone. NEVER fucketh the help on any service that the chick you originally applied to fuck with can see...ever.
4. Missing details - The SM chick (Snatch Mouth for those dimwits who cant keep up) has a man in her life, one that obviously doesnt know she is giving rim jobs and twisted tacos out free of charge on a daily basis. If you have to create an alterior life to be a hoe, this makes you a bad hoe and you should read up on that shit because we covered it already you fucking high school drop out! And if you dont know what a twisted taco is, you should be ashamed, dont even think of writing me and asking, do I look like your pussy prodding OBGYN?
5. Missing details - Okay so the guy aint fugly but he aint a dime, he's like a nickel and maybe a penny. A old penny, not the good shiny ones, ya feel me...and the SM, well shes aight. That skinny, hasnt eaten in a week sort of aight. This right here should tell you SNAT, you dun wanna fuck with this guy. He probably had to bribe her or convince her dumb ass that his chop steak looking cock was a cheeseburger.
6. Genitals that can ever be linked to cheese in anyway are offically off limits...forever!
7. You can not be mad at the hungry hoe. Okay granted, she's a bad hoe. She is scheming on her man and fluffing every Tom's dick ass and balls BUT I still believe you should take pity. The bitch need to eat. She need a fucking value meal, a rib, a wing, some fucking pringles. A ketchup packet for christs sake!
8. On a serious note, this goes out to my boys. If you are vibing a girl, she is fine, you wanna hit it seven ways from sunday and lick it and rub it down something nasty with mustard and mayo...more power to you. BUT...if you dont get the response you want, let it be known. The next time you boys find yourself in this predicament, repeat after me..."Yeah so um...I wanna bust in your ear and if you aint hearing me...Imma find a bitch who wanna listen. Ya heard!" Simple.
9. SNAT, listen here lil mama. This guy has some droopy balls syndrome. He wanted to tea bag you and you didnt lay down fast enough. This is not your fault. If he tries to switch it up on you with some, "it aint me its you" type shit or "aww boo, why you so angry?" because you chose not to talk to him, do me this favor, pick up at that anorexic toothpick bitch and stab that grimey crusty assed bastid in the eye with her qtip head. Take photots.

Triflin Boys who hit on you one minute and try to fuck your friends/ neighbors/ boss/ coworkers/help/relatives...ever...especially within the same Fiscal year, should be dragged on the back of a greyhound, face down, taken to a dirty alley behind a rat infested indian restaurant and have his dick corkscrewed. Im not a violent person, I just follow the rules. I hope this helps just one of you, if not all. Good luck and all that shit...FTN!