ASK FTN - ~Triflin~

I am happy to say I got my first official Ask FTN Letter in the mail and gosh gee willigers, Im stoked. The letter is in my own words, mind you, as the writer is currently under witness protection for knowing far too much information about something I cant know about because I dun wanna be in witness protection too and if I told you, we would all have to go there and I dont know where there is so STFU and stop asking stupid questions you monkey motherfuckers! Sheesh!

*Puts on reading glasses for intellectual effects* Ahem...

My Dearest FTN
(I already like this letter)
There is a guy, he's maybe a seven on the hot scale...an eight if you stand 90 degrees to the left and Uranus is in alignment with Saturn. We've hung out a few times, I've even had him over for tea and a spot of dick. (Look it up you gutter minded freaks) I thought he was interested in me and my vajayjay, though I havent let him hit it because Im a good girl on Thursdays. But he really seemed interested in me and my outlook on microbiology and nuclear physics. This seemed like it was going places. But now Im a bit lost. You see, there is a girl, we will call her Snatch Mouth. SM moonlights at my flower shop, which my great uncle Esther left to me...dont ask...please. SM kinda lives a double life, with some guy who she says she loves and adores, you complete me Jerry Maguire type nonsense. But at night, she comes to my flower shop all decked out as someone else and gives BJ's along with every purchase of a rose. I cant seem to keep them in stock. I have great reason to believe Ms. SM is getting her saggy tulips watered, tilled and hoed by Mr. Not even a ten! So I stopped talking to the guy and now he says Im being a used Tampax, can you set the record straight on this...
yours truly...So Not A Tampax

Okay SNAT, theres a lot to cover here and Im glad I can help. Mind you dear reader, this letter was abbreviated from 37 pages to what you see before you so I know just a tad more then Ive shown but Ill try to keep you in the loop. Lets run down the list shall we...take a walk with me...

1. Any guy who tries hitting on you, smelling/poking/licking/sticking/glaring/drinking or existing within 50M of your vaggy lips should know that there is a code! Leading me to number two.
2. *Finishes wiping her ass* Sorry about that, had chili last night,...where was I? Oh right! THE CODE. The code says and I quote - "Thou shalt not try to fucketh with the chicketh if thou art planningeth to fucketh the chickeths help..eth." So sayeth the word of the hoe. Its in the rule books motherfuckers! FOLLOW IT!
3. If you plan to fuck the help...you fucketh the help outside of the work zone. NEVER fucketh the help on any service that the chick you originally applied to fuck with can see...ever.
4. Missing details - The SM chick (Snatch Mouth for those dimwits who cant keep up) has a man in her life, one that obviously doesnt know she is giving rim jobs and twisted tacos out free of charge on a daily basis. If you have to create an alterior life to be a hoe, this makes you a bad hoe and you should read up on that shit because we covered it already you fucking high school drop out! And if you dont know what a twisted taco is, you should be ashamed, dont even think of writing me and asking, do I look like your pussy prodding OBGYN?
5. Missing details - Okay so the guy aint fugly but he aint a dime, he's like a nickel and maybe a penny. A old penny, not the good shiny ones, ya feel me...and the SM, well shes aight. That skinny, hasnt eaten in a week sort of aight. This right here should tell you SNAT, you dun wanna fuck with this guy. He probably had to bribe her or convince her dumb ass that his chop steak looking cock was a cheeseburger.
6. Genitals that can ever be linked to cheese in anyway are offically off limits...forever!
7. You can not be mad at the hungry hoe. Okay granted, she's a bad hoe. She is scheming on her man and fluffing every Tom's dick ass and balls BUT I still believe you should take pity. The bitch need to eat. She need a fucking value meal, a rib, a wing, some fucking pringles. A ketchup packet for christs sake!
8. On a serious note, this goes out to my boys. If you are vibing a girl, she is fine, you wanna hit it seven ways from sunday and lick it and rub it down something nasty with mustard and mayo...more power to you. BUT...if you dont get the response you want, let it be known. The next time you boys find yourself in this predicament, repeat after me..."Yeah so um...I wanna bust in your ear and if you aint hearing me...Imma find a bitch who wanna listen. Ya heard!" Simple.
9. SNAT, listen here lil mama. This guy has some droopy balls syndrome. He wanted to tea bag you and you didnt lay down fast enough. This is not your fault. If he tries to switch it up on you with some, "it aint me its you" type shit or "aww boo, why you so angry?" because you chose not to talk to him, do me this favor, pick up at that anorexic toothpick bitch and stab that grimey crusty assed bastid in the eye with her qtip head. Take photots.

Triflin Boys who hit on you one minute and try to fuck your friends/ neighbors/ boss/ coworkers/help/relatives...ever...especially within the same Fiscal year, should be dragged on the back of a greyhound, face down, taken to a dirty alley behind a rat infested indian restaurant and have his dick corkscrewed. Im not a violent person, I just follow the rules. I hope this helps just one of you, if not all. Good luck and all that shit...FTN!

Pussified Award

And so the inspiration keeps on coming...

Good morning class. Todays topic will be bobblehead morons who think playing the victim will somehow get them out of owning up to their bitchassness. The number one rule of FTN is mind your fucking business. Now, dont get me wrong, I comment on all types of shit. But I do it both when someone is gone and when they are right in my face, preferably the latter. Its consistancy. Dont act like a playboy and imply, gesture, whisper or straight out so you would so go there with me if you could...dont doubt me, I saved that shit...and then swear there is no hidden agenda.

Do not pour your haterade my way because I am actually enjoying the company I keep. I wish you could say the same but obviously not if you are willing to go on and on for an hour about nothing while you are suppose to be making breakfast. My dear class...learn from this chickenshit whores mistake...if you dont like something or someone...FTN IT! But saying shit, "joking" or not after someone leaves makes you a pussy and pussies are not allowed. They are banned. Because that is rotten smelly pussy and we no likey the cottage cheese.

If you decide to start a battle by opening your mouth, dont assume everything with a twat will become a damsel to you. Some of us actually have brains and we arent scared. I understand the desperation to use any means to get out of losing this battle. But speaking for a whole group of people, contradicting yourself and just sounding like a tard is not going to help you.

I would like to start a "Save The Bobbleheads" Foundation. It is our duty to help those in need. And the Bobblehead species is one that is only morphing into the ugliest type of bitchassness. This would be the egomaniac bitchassness. Be careful, it is fucking highly contagious.

Here are a few identifying features you can use to figure out if that lame ass is a Bobblehead and how you too can help...

1. Bobbleheads will change to whatever the situation is. If you are mad, they play victim and if you are weak they try to dom you. A nice hearty STFU is always in order at this time.
2. Bobbleheads will try to hit on you even when they have someone, all the while making the list even longer of how many other people they are trying to fuck with. I dont know how this species even gets this sort of attention but I think it may have something to do with pretending like they are someone important.
3. Bobbleheads will play dumb and deny everything thereafter, surely relaying the message of everything you have said while omitting all the nasty shit they have said themselves.
4. Bobbleheads like to touch people without permission and then want kudos for not doing so after you have repeatedly asked them not to. FYI. Molesters dont get kudos for not touching little boys. Its not a triumph, its called not being a douchebag.
5. Bobbleheads will always wait until they have their army/ girlfriends/ boyfriends/ fanclub/ groupies etc etc with them before they will puff up. This makes them feel somehow important because everyone knows if someone sees you being hardcore, its always true.
6. Bobbleheads dont understand what "leave me alone," or "I dont like you," means. Heaven knows they have enough nasty bitches waiting...Walmart Hoes...that they really cant get over the fact you dont like them.
7. Bobbleheads think they are a gift to the world and have no real clue that they dont compare.

My advise is take pity. Or run. Very fast. I hereby nominate Bobbleheads for the PUSSIFIED Award. Come get your dildo trophy and stick it up your saggy twat.

Fake ass pussy motherfuckers who talk a big game but are really just bad ugly man whores who cant back their shit up....FTN!!!!!!!

Class dismissed!

Super or Super Plus?

*Before I begin, I reserve the right to say whatever the fuck I want and if you dont like it, FTN!*

No one is safe. Not even you. Especially not while you are shopping. Predators are everywhere, we have all met them, in one form or another. They usually start off with a compliment, because flattery seems to work for complete tards. My most recent experience started something like this…

“Greetings” - Is this fucking Star Trek? Sounds like Marvin the Martian, very authoritative.

Ello - This usually means leave me alone because I’m obviously in this store to shop and not talk to you.

“How are you today?” - 99% of the people who ask this question don’t actually give a flying fuck how you are, this is just a sad attempt to be polite and segue into the meat of things.

I’m well. - I don’t want to talk to you and even if my hair was falling out, my pussy was broken and my ass crack needed filling, I still wouldn’t tell you.

“I must compliment you look nice *smiles* - Okay, so I know I’m a fucking dime piece. You don’t have to tell me this. I tell myself twice in the shower, four times every hour and triple that when I’m having sex. Trust me…I KNOW!

I appreciate that, thank you. - This is my nice way of saying the above.

“yw.” Polite people scare me.

“Have you ever thought of becoming a vampire?” - This is where my eyes start to roll.

I am a proud member of Transylvania - This is where you shut the fuck up and let me shop.

“Not into bloodlines huh?” - Did I fucking stutter?

Actually no, Im loyal to my Transylvanian family. - Nuff said.

And so the conversation died with that.
Now, lets examine this situation.
First off, I was shopping and you never ever mess with a kitty bish, any bitch for that matter when she is trying to spend money, it is simply bad for your health. People have lost eyes for less.
Second, did this beefy top heavy motherfucker just ask me if I wanted to become a vampire? Personal belief tells me it is within you, its whether or not you are awakened and aware of its existence. Now how exactly did he plan on making me one? Was he gonna do a little jig, flex those man titties at me? I would just like to point out that your areola is the size of Connecticut. If I wasn’t so distracted by the landscape that which is your nipplage, I may have felt so inclined to slap the shit out of you for asking me some dumb shit.
I’ll play fair. He was curious because it was obvious from the moment he said hi that he was a bloodliner. Now if you are easily offended and havent already bounced, now would be the time, im going into bigger territory...
Are the pussies gone yet? Okay, thank my lucky fucking stars. So, I got to thinking and there is only one annoyance that reminds me so much of the bloodliners. No, im not talking about the itchies, you dirty bastards. I’s a clean bish. Im talking about Jehovahs Witnesses. Yep, the bloodliners are our very own door knocking, bad suit wearing, bicycle riding, huge helmet rocking recruiters. They want to hand out pamphlets and tell you to join their crew because you will then get 70 virgins in heaven…or is that the terrorists…hell if I know. Bottom line is, I don’t want to be apart of their checklist to get that 70 plus daisy train going. Im kinky but 70 is just greedy as fuck. How can you trust that shit? Someone pointed out to me that this could also be compared to mormons, which is fine too. I think they wear magical underwear…which in turn makes a bloodliner…a fucking KOTEX!
We don’t have to agree on what is real and what isn’t, because I know I am right and you are wrong. But one would hope that we agree on this…would anyone with a right mind want to join any group/family that implies they are a god damn KOTEX! Are the higher ups tampons? This is just far too distorted for my amusement. Who the fuck would do that to someone, I kinda feel bad for those losers for just a second. Wait…im over it.
There are only a few things that I cannot and will not separate in my existence from the rest of the real world and that is the truth I find in the space and time shared with a place I call home…Transylvania. Feel free to school me or tell me I need to join some new and improved glampyr hotspot. And I will continue to laugh since all I see are walking panty liners.
PANTY LINERS….FTN!

Keeping Tabs...

Feel free not to, ever.

We've all experienced it, someone spying on you to "see what you were wearing," the typical hanging out with the same person, same crowd, same group just to see when the last time you were on...

Now, I'm not a stupid bitch. Fiesty, loud and obnoxious, Im all over that shit. But stupid is not my style. Insecurity must really suck and Im sorry that anyone feels the need, pure fucking obligation to join this group, any group for that matter just to see if Im around the same time as that boy you call your man.
There is every reason to be nervous, FTN! dont like ugly bitches so you sure as hell know it wasnt created by one, vain...ya damn right but with shit to back it up. We at FTN!...okay the majority of us...Im not gonna front, we let afew of you slip in...everyone needs a charity...you know who you are BUT THATS NOT THE POINT!
The point is, when I see someone I dont talk to ever who just so happens to be the girlfriend of a guy who tried to mess with me, only to see that girl leave the group once she felt secure because I dont talk to that guy anymore...well well, aint that some shit.
FTN!

• Feel free to never cam an FTN! member. Its creepy and the thought of your nasty ass eyeballing while your free hand is...making pottery, yeah I just puked in my mouth a little.
• Feel free to shut the fuck up as soon as I say so or even before the need arises. Preferably the latter of the two.
• Smiles, giggles (tee-fucking-hee), flattery is really not welcome. If you know you are stalking, tabbing, trailing, investigating, whatever it is you tell yourself to justify why you dont trust your bobble headed boo boo...feel free to save the trouble and be a blunt bitch. "Did you fuck him..." and you will get the most honest reply you have ever heard..."I wouldnt touch him with your mothers dick!"
• Always remember, telling your man you left my group and you arent snooping will not help you. See, because he still comes and tells me what you say and in turn I check the fucking roster and tell him yous a liar...cuz...hello captain obvious! I RUN THE FUCKING GROUP!
• If your existance is that boring that you need to spend the day waiting to see if I'm around, feel free to hit me up and I'll give you dates, times and coordinates to my next bathroom break.

All in all, members will come...members will go. Hey, I dont hate, you can only be apart of twenty five groups and we all know those strip clubs/escort services and newbie sex spots are all the rave but heres a rule of thumb...if you're gonna cum, do it cuz you enjoy it. If you go, the same applies. Tracking me only boosts my ego and tells me yet another reason why I know Im better than you.

KEEPING TABS? F.T.N

FTN! Welcome...

It's the guy who chews with his god damn mouth open
The girl who really shouldnt be wearing that tube top in your plain of sight
The shriveled dick loser who swears he's gonna break you
When the phone wont stop ringing while you're trying to sleep
Waiting in line behind the moron who cant seem to remember his/her pin number
The same song gets played over and over on the radio
When the above happens on every station

Guys who fuck hoes but complain cuz its loose
Girls who claim innocence because they only give head
Anytime someone intentionally copies your style...and tells you so
Pity parties/guilt trips from the rejected
People who say "Hi" but really mean "Who are you with...what are you doing?"
Social Climbers
Uglies
Stupids
Unoriginal people who spew bitchassness when you call them out

It's the DJ who says "Um" eighteen million times
The stripper who replies, "mmmmm"
The diva who refuses to crack a smile
It's that one person who will always try to convince you they know you better then you know yourself
The cookie cutter factory that continues to pump out the same lame shit

It's anything and everything that blocks creativity
Laughter
Excitement
It's an empty canvas
It's an empty page
It's a closed mind

...It's Noise...

FTN!

This is going to be the start of a very fucked up relationship...you ready?