Moved

This blog is officially closed. If you would like to stay updated, find the group in world for an add to be included on the new site. Mad love ftners!

Weight A Minute

This is my fuck you face. -.-

When the fuck did everyone else become the god damn police about how much someone else should weigh. Mind you, this bitch (that would be me outside of SL) just had a baby...a month ago.

Things you dont say/do to a pregnant woman...FYI since you nasty bitches didnt seem to know this when the girl was carrying her baby:

1. oooooo, you have twins? No bitch, Im just fat!
2. Wow, you look...good. No bitch, Im fat!
3. Oh you'll lose all that before you know it. WHAT THE FUCK IS "ALL THAT." Are you gesturing to my fat ass or the round belly which is A CHILD!
4. You should do - insert workout here- Hey, you should shut the fuck up.
5. Ask if I have stretch marks - no bitch, I dont. You wanna hate now or later?

Things you dont say/do to a woman who has JUST had a child - for you assclowns that keep sending me emails:

1. Recommend a diet - I like my pretty fat ass thank you very much so back the fuck up!
2. Ask how much I weigh and comment with "Dont worry, it wont last" - Do I look worried? This middle finger pointed up at you isnt my worried gesture, its my you better get the fuck outta my face gesture with all that noise.
3. Try to make me feel guilty when you order a salad and I order a cheeseburger - I am sorry you fucking graze the fields but I am not a god damned rabbit.
4. Say "I hate you," when you find out how much I do weigh because Ive finally told you so you will go away. Do you hate me? really? Dear me, Im so fucking sorry I just happen to have a fast fucking metabolism. How bout you blame your fucking sloth of a mother and father. Genetics mamita...not my problem.
5. Say stupid shit like "Enjoy it while it lasts," why yes, yes I will. All while strutting my shit.

If your fat, rock out your fat ass. If your skinny, rock them bones. If you got it, show it off and rub it down. And fuck the noise people make. Im so pretty I'd fuck myself. Thats all I need to know. Now shoo, Im busy.

Rise And Shine And FTNs

Realizing you haven't seen the rerun of one of your favorite shows that just so happens to be coming on as you plan to go to bed.

Remembering to take out the garbage as you roll over to hear the garbage truck drive past your house.

Having a dog that decides to eat a rock. Seriously...an entire rock. Whole.

Feeling extremely dirty while eating an extra brownie when you know you shouldn't.

Eating the extra brownie anyway.

That crusty ball of lotion that first comes out when you reopen a lotion bottle you haven't used in awhile. Can lotion get boogers?

Spell-check telling you "boogers" isn't a word. Oh yes it is, fucker!

People who bring an animal to stay at your house only to tell you afterward the little buck toothed rat has fleas. I hate your face! And your little dog too!

Lighting the wrong end of your cigarette...when it's the last one you've got...and theres a snow storm outside so you can't go get anymore. HELP!

People who do this: "Hi"....No, that's it. They just say hi.

Pilgrims. Just because I said so.

Where the fuck did the Sunday comics go? They use to be funny. Now that shit don't make no sense. Marmaduke...come back and be funny god damn it!

Curling. I don't understand it for shit but damn if I don't have to watch it. Brush that ice woman, brush it! Wait...it's on ice right?

Having a total Jessica Simpson moment:

"Do you even know who Sacajawea is?"

Me: "Um yeah, she was the Indian. I'm Sacajawea."

"Okay then I'm Louis and Clark."

Me: "So you're a hermaphrodite?"

(I am not proud to say that this was an actual conversation I had very recently...Sue me...I thought he said Lois and Clark...Like from Superman...I swear I'm not dumb...oh go to hell!)

Having to explain to someone that there actually is crab in Crab Ragoon. (Hah, fuck you, I think that's worse than my Louis and Clark blunder so bite me.)

Buying a bag of 'Munchies' just to eat the pretzels.

Easter commercials coming out February 15th.

Being awake at 5:53am for no fucking reason AT ALL!

F.T.N!

THE BEST MESSAGE EVER!!!!!

Why don't people send me more shit like this? This is what I live for!

Storyteller: so this chick and I were talking last night about her ex in sl and they had a prim baby right well the guy gets crazy and starts to yell at her for not being on when she said and accusing her of cheating on him in rl crazy shit just going bat shit crazy on her

Storyteller: so she decides to end it

Storyteller: no comes the custody of the baby

[19:18] Shasta Chambers: ....

Storyteller: well they both paid half so the sensible thing is for her to ask him to pay her for her half because he wants the baby well he says "Just give me my damn baby I am going to kill this av and I want my baby to go with me"

[19:18] Shasta Chambers: ....

[19:18] Shasta Chambers: IM SO PUTTING THAT ON THE BLOG!

Storyteller: lmfao

Storyteller: I knew you would

[19:18] Shasta Chambers: that is the best!

Storyteller: I know right!

[19:19] Shasta Chambers: dude...thats sickly awesome

[19:19] Shasta Chambers: I wanna meet this guy

[19:19] Shasta Chambers: is he dead

[19:19] Shasta Chambers: did he kill him and his baby off?

Storyteller: no apparently he is alive and well and the baby is in inventory purgatory somewhere because the chick was so freaked out she made another avatar

[19:20] Shasta Chambers: I LOVE IT!

If that's not good stuff, I just don't know what is.

Oh No You Didn't, Playboy

Lesson for the day: Ask and ye shall receive. In bountiful numbers.

I said a prayer to the FTN Gods to keep the juices flowing, keep me busy with things to discuss, as this is by far more amusing for me than anyone I know. But dear fucking Vishnu, did you have to open the floodgates of stupidity?

Let me make this very clear, really emphasize it so there is no mistake: partnerships are a waste of time. No one ever intends to stay partnered, it's just something to do for the moment. If I genuinely thought people meant to ever stay partnered, I might think otherwise. But ask yourself, how many people do you know who have been partnered...to the same person...more than once...twice...six times? Having said that, I am still happy for those that seek it.

If you read the last post, you would know that my dear friend Poison was looking forward to planning a wedding to a guy that has yet to pop the question. Well...apparently, something in his dreams told him today was the day. And what did this guy who my friend is so smitten with decide to do to make that moment so extra special? Did he take her to some beautiful secluded location and get down on one knee? NO! Did he leave a ring for her to find atop her pillow? NO! Did he take her dancing, to slip a ring on her finger as he dipped her to the music? NO!

This fucking genius decided it should go something like this...and I quote;

"Marry be baby," and passed her a ring.

Soak that in for a minute. Who does that?

Why does the "baby," make me feel extra dirty...and he didn't even propose to me. Here's a clue for anyone planning on popping that ill fated yet inevitable question: don't be a dickwad and don't half ass it. Go big or go home. Put a little thought into it.

I have officially lost yet another ounce of faith in the essence of romance supposedly found in mankind. Apparently, sweeping your girl...no matter how skanky she is (love you Poi) is out of the question these days huh? Not that I'm into that shit because that would definitely be anti-FTN! But if I were into the muckiness of said romance...WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?

Here's a clue. Free of charge. DON'T bother if you don't care enough to do it right. You fucking assclowns.

FTN! to doing it the wrong way. And yes, it's the wrong way because I fucking said so. And because my friend deserves more than that. That is all.

You're Invited!!!

Want to hear a secret? Poi is getting partnered/married. Well, it's not a secret anymore. Not to you and I at least. But it is to...Oh, I don't know...THE GUY SHE IS PARTNERING. This schmuck has no clue she's gonna tie him down forever...for-everrrrr...FOR-EV-ER! Sick, aint it?

But I'm a good friend. Despite that bitch only being a 5 on my friendship scale. (You see the abuse I put up with?) Being the good friend that I am, what a lucky girl she is to have me by the way, I decided I would help her out with this little plot to catch the man. I'm all about torturing people and what better way to do so than to force his unaware ass into eternal damnation i.e partnership. EXACTLY. So you know this little scheme is my favorite cup o' tea. Sip sip bitches.

[20:48] Poison Ferrentino: ooo you should see my wedding invite it's pretty lmao

So I say: "Hey snatch, do me a favor and send me one of those fabulous fucking invites you wont stop yapping about." So she does. She likes it when I call her snatch so don't get all bitchy about it.

Do you know with this trifling hot mess gives me?

[20:55] Poison Ferrentino gave you Premade scripted wedding invitation.

A BLANK....let me repeat that...BLANK!!!! PREMADE SCRIPTED WEDDING INVITE! I can't make this shit up. Poi...my dearest skanky droopy lipped homie...seriously? I love you but did the welfare check come late this week? I told you if you needed money, I could take you to BJ's and you could trade some lovin' for some food stamps. In turn, I know some people who would trade some of your stamps for some invites. Do you listen to me? NO! NO YOU DONT YOU DEAF, HALITOSIS INFECTED, CHAPPED VAGGY LIP! You just dont listen.

But don't fret. Your one and only is here to help because this wedding is going to happen if I have to round up every jerry curled hobo I know to be your bridesmaids and perform the ceremony myself. Come to think of it...that isnt such a bad idea. (Writes that down for a future post.)

Since your invites are blank, I thought I'd come up with a couple of options. Just call me Hallmark.

OPTION 1

"Roses are red, violets are blue

He has no idea

He'll soon say 'I do.'

Hey Fucker, you're invited"

FREE TUNES AND BEER

(Tunes and beer are why everyone will come so it should really be at the top.)

OPTION 2

"Two hands, two hearts, one love forever...

or until I departner him for the next pinhead with a bigger house.

Hey Fucker, you're invited."

FREE TUNES AND BEER

OPTION 3

"The wedding bells will ring quite soon, for I have set a date.

I'm hoping that you'll be there to help me celebrate.

He better say "I do," we better tie the knot

If he ever wants to get head again or ever see my twat.

Hey Fucker, you're invited."

FREE TUNES AND BEER

OPTION 4

"To his face, he is the matching piece to my puzzle.

Behind his back, I want a prenup and a muzzle.

Hey Fucker, You're invited."

FREE TUNES AND BEER

I personally like number 3 but that's just me. Weddings suck unless I get to corrupt them. Then...they are just good times!

To ordinary invites and ordinary weddings...FTN!

Stay tuned, the ever unfolding saga of Poi's not so secret anymore wedding will continue after these messages from our local sponsor...

And Your Score Is...

Hey Poi...I don't care who you are...shitting your pants is not impressive, sexy or interesting by any means.

Because you are officially a traitor and hanging like a dirty dingleberry (versus a clean dingleberry? um...Shut Up!) on someone else's sack...I am forced to evaluate your friendship as follows...

50 Points for breathing. (It's not like she breathes anything special but everyone has to start somewhere.

-10 Points for recording over my Law and Order episodes with her "Butt Busters 9" Pay Per View event.

+3 Points for not Pay Per Viewing "Clumpy Taints 7," again.

+2 Points for ordering Chicken and Pineapple Pizza

-11 Points for sitting on the couch while covered in Vaseline.

+17 Points for teaching me "The Frothy Walrus."

-21 Points for teaching me "The Loose Leaf Blower," and "Like-A-Monkey-Using-A-Stick-To-Pick-Its-Food." That was just fucked up!

+1 Point for not video taping "The Cambodian Creamsicle."

-6 Points for taking pictures of "Impacted Bananas."

-11 Points for that time you left me in the back of that car with those guys.

+10 Points for leaving the lube behind...for my behind. (I swear that one guy was an Anaconda.)

+3 Points for bringing me ice.

-5 Points for dry ice. (Moron!)

+10 Points for peeing on my leg when that jellyfish stung me.

-9 Points for peeing on me every other time.

+13 Points for buying me a new washer and dryer before the family reunion.

-14 Points for fucking my cousin on said dryer during said family reunion.

+27 Points for bailing me out of jail after I got busted with that bag of...tea.

-26 Points for giving the cops my name to get out of that DUI.

+10 Points for bringing me Chinese food that one time.

-9 Points for using my chop sticks to masturbate.

+11 Points for being that tight.

Total Friendship Score for Poison = 35 Points

Oh, I almost forgot!!!!

-30 Points for "The Double Kangaroo Sloppy Pocky." (You thought I forgot about that, didn't you? Nasty!)

Total Friendship Score for Poison (REDO) = 5 Points

FTN! For not hitting double digits! Skank.

P.S. Oral sex should never include Mustard, Horseradish or Maple syrup. No matter what Poi tells you!