Dun Dun Dun Dunnnn

Ladies and Gentleman, may I have your attention please!

As you may have noticed, if you've checked your mailbox any time within the past couple of weeks, tis the season for endless "I do's." In the spirit of this inevitable and ridiculous time of year, I am happy to say just some of my donts. Now, this is not to be a scrooge about the whole lovey dovey cutesy bullshit everyone seems so excited about. This is just a simple reminder that for every one couple that will see Autumn, the other 10 pairs will be with someone new, fucking their brains out, all while not thinking about their ex "partner for eternity." (Apparently eternity now means Memorial Day to Labor Day.) So, without further ado...

• DONT invite every person you have ever met, seen, heard of, use to know, kinda know, think you might know, or wore the same shirt as last week just to fill up those god awful pews. These people do not care if you get married, they dont care if you get partnered, hell...they dont care if you are breathing let alone tying the knot. Spare them, spare them all.
• DONT change the date 15 times in a week. This is just rude and comes off as if you think you are somehow very important. Now I know what you are thinking, "but I am important," well, heres the news kiddo...not enough for me to miss my 5pm nail appointment on Tuesday, my lunch date on Thursday or my Salsa dance on Saturday. Quite frankly, Id rather get a call from my doped up OBGYN saying she needs to stick a scope up my urethra blindfolded in a dirty alley then sit thru your wedding, so feel free to just stick to one date I can decline on.
• DONT make a big deal if this is wedding number 5 for you. The feeling of excitement and genuine joy for you dwindles each time we are reminded just how much of a sloppy failure of a hoe you are. Wedding one failed, meh, shit happens. Wedding two failed, well you should have put out more. Wedding three failed, damn it...you sack of anal crust, you put out to the wrong guy. Wedding four failed...okay you have to know him at least a week for christs sake...you see where Im going with this. By wedding five, you are lucky if I give you a "hey. grats." let alone attend.
• DONT reserve a huge fucking church with a pastor/priest/rabbi/shaman and expect people to sit thru two hours of poppycock bullshit you call a service. Dear baby jesus, please acknowledge this matrimony as it is holy and blessed now and until she creates an alt to fuck his best bro only after he tps that stripper in to get some head. AMEN! We know your deal, having some clean cut wedding isnt going to hide your nasty ways. Mind as well keep it true and invite everyone to a little shack in the woods where anyone can gang bang you while your man jacks off while talking some emo jive. Oh wait, thats the reception.
• DONT waste money/time/energy/photoshop skills making those invites. I dont ever open them. Just hit me up with the date and I would be glad to say no immediately.
• DONT make a wedding group. I can only have 25 groups in my rolodex, do you think this group is important enough to stay? Dont rush, just think about it....NOPE! it sure aint. REMOVE!
• DONT wear those stupid fucking tags, "Mrs. SOANDSO," "MR. SOANDSO," "JUST MARRIED," These are lame and for the love of the heavenly dalilamidingdong, do you really need to stretch out your 15 minutes of attention whoring into an endless reminder of how sad you truly are?
• DONT expect a gift. Call me cheap, call me something, but be sure not to call me asking wtf your gift is. You know what your gift is, its these new fucking shoes Im rockin', what you think about that? Sweet huh? Yeah I thought so, thats why I bought them for myself you soggy turd.
• DONT ask me to be in your wedding. I mean you could but heres the honest truth. I will just hit up everyone in the crowd and talk about how lame it is/ how fat your ass looks in that dress (not in the good way), probably go afk for the whole thing and make a sammich, or I will engage in some fine distant sex, getting my major freaky dick suckage on while you are saying "I do,"...."Do you kitty bish, feel like cumming up and down the aisle...why yes, yes I do!" Hah, mine is better then yoursssss! Suckers!
• DONT cry to me, wave at me, sulk by me when it fails. I wont say it but I told you so, I told you so neener neener pumpkin eater, I so told you so you moronic assclown, you walking fecal marshmallow man, you idiotic vaginal secretion. You are a fucking joke and Im sooooo laughing at you right now.
• and last but not least...DONT assume that because Im not the wedding chick that I dont think its a beautiful thing. Oh no, my dears. I think a wedding can be magic, fluffy and all that mushy bullshit you so happen to think is crucial. But if its so god damn meaningful between you and your booboogonnadumbyousoon, have it in private, in a hidden place, behind the walls of a beautiful castle, in the hills of a snowy mountain, on a boat over oceanic waves, between you and the person of your hearts desire. That my dears, is a wedding Im all about not attending and all about supporting. Everything else is quite frankly faking that, "look at us, dont we look happy, please tell us we look happy, for the love of god why wont you say we look happy, do you think he's cheating, do you think he knows I am," happiness. And to that...I say F.T.N!

Happy Weddings =) I also do ba mitzvahs and quinceniras